Lenten Reflection: The Grace of Abstinence

The grace of abstinence has shone forth, 
Banishing the darkness of demons.
The power of the fast disciplines our minds
Lent brings the cure to our crippling worldliness.

Cheesefare Thursday matins

I often think that when I fast, I’m going to struggle more. I’m going to have to resist eating that bit of chocolate that I want to help sooth my sadness. I’m not going to have the comfort of satisfying meat or filling, delicious dairy. And therefore, life will feel harder.

I take a lot of comfort in food. When I’m stressed or sad, I want to eat more. I find joy, albeit temporary, in a delicious meal or a sweet treat. To give those things up, in my weak mind, is like giving up my comfort blanket, a support in hard times. 

Yet in those verses, the church encourages and reminds me that the opposite is true. It calls abstinence a grace. I eat because of the demons that plague me, yet the Church says abstinence banishes the darkness of demons. 

I have been feeling like I’ve been living in a shroud of darkness. In a fog that keeps me from seeing clearly and knowing what direction to face. I have been dizzied by my wants — or are they needs? — that are not being met. And so I cook something delicious to look forward to. I eat just a little more to distract me further. And then I think of what sweet I can finish it off with. And yet, I still lack clarity and peace. 

The church tells me that the power of the fast can discipline my mind. It can cure me of my crippling worldliness. 

I know that food does not truly bring me comfort. It does not keep me satisfied. And yet, I have not known how to change or where to turn. But here I am, on the cusp of the Great Fast, being called to a better way. Being called to embrace abstinence in exchange for grace, protection from demons, the disciplining of my mind, and strength rather than being crippled by my desires. 

I do not feel up to this call. How do I make sure my abstinence is not just a following of rules. How I do let in the grace? How do I open myself up to the disciplining of my mind? I don’t know the answers, but I know what I am going to try: when I long for food, when I feel the unnecessary hunger strike, I will turn to Jesus. I will say, “Lord, help me.” For as long as I can, I will say the Jesus Prayer. And with His help, I pray the grace will flow in me, and I will gain calmness, clarity, and strength for my mind and soul.