Lenten Reflection: Ingratitude, Perfectionism, and Christ

Recognizing my ingratitude led me to see how perfectionism is affecting my spiritual life and disconnecting myself from Christ.

Psalm 78 chronicles the Israelites forty year journey through the desert. In one of our Bibles, it is titled “God’s Goodness and Israel’s Ingratitude.” I often remember this Psalm when I’m trying to find the patience to wait on God for an answer. 

One winter, when our first was a baby, we were trying to find a place to live (for just a month) during Spring Training. I had recently become aware of this psalm and I felt really convicted. Time after time, God provides what the Israelites complain about and yet, when they become discontent again, they complain again. Ouch. That really felt like me. 

Guess what. I feel that again. 

My natural inclination is to be hard on myself. To shame myself for not being grateful enough, for not remembering the good things God has done for me already, and not trusting Him to do what He deems is best for us in just the right timing. I remind myself that I don’t see the whole picture, that God is good, and that if I just remember that, I won’t struggle so much. 

It’s easy to say these things and deride myself — but it doesn’t help. 

I have slowly been learning an important lesson regarding bringing this perfectionistic tendency to my spiritual life. I am slowly being reminded here and there of this and I’m grateful I was reminded recently. The truth came into focus for me for a moment and I’m trying to hold on to it and weave it into my thoughts and every day moments. 

Perfectionism has no place in my spiritual life.

It’s not healthy in any area, but for me it is particularly toxic in my spiritual life, which is the place it has remained most constant. Children have helped me let go of perfect order at all times and the expectation of smooth days. (Though, to be honest, I’m still working on this!) But the perfectionism I’m expecting of myself when it comes to my faith — that has been constant and draining. Sure, I’ve had flickers of truth flash and I’m able to set it down for a moment. It doesn’t last long though and I pick it up again, like heavy armor I think I need to survive the spiritual warfare that life it. 

But here’s the truth…

Being a Christian does not mean that I am in a competition, performance, or completing a test. It means I am choosing — over and over again — to have a relationship with Christ who already loves and knows me. 

What I do — my action and thoughts — either bring me closer to Him or separate me from Him. 

Gratitude brings me closer. Discontent separates me. 

It’s not about being “good” or “bad.”

It’s about choosing Him. No matter what happens. No matter how I feel. 

I may feel too weak to be grateful and patient in this hard season of waiting, but I can bring even that to Him. 

In my sadness, my discontent, my longing and aching and wondering and doubting… I can still turn to Him.

I can bring them to Him and ask Him to help me. I don’t have to carry them on my own. I don’t have to be perfect. I need to remember that only Christ is perfect, and through my weakness, I magnify His strength and perfection. 

but He said unto me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” I will all the more gladly boast of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

2 Corinthians 12:9

So many of the psalms bring these various emotions TO God. They aren’t a monologue saying how one should change the way they think. They are honest expressions of fear, doubt, guilt, and worry. And they bring them all to God, and finish up with confirmation of God’s steadfast love. 

He leads the humble in what is right, and teaches the humble His way. All the paths of the Lord and steadfast love and faithfulness, for those who keep His covenant and His testimonies.

Psalm 25: 6-10