Searching for Joy

I’ve been lacking joy in my life. I’ve been looking for it, praying for it to show up in my life. Feeling the need for it — like an ache in my heart. 

I’m back to my morning walks — most mornings — and the audio book accompanying me recently is Shauna Neiquest’s “I Guess I Haven’t Learned That Yet.” I love Shauna’s story telling style, even if I don’t agree with all her perspectives and conclusions. Every second or third chapter feels like just what I need to hear. 

That happened on recently on a Saturday morning. Midway through the chapter she says: 

“If you need fireworks and perfection in order to crack a smile, you’re going to be disappointed over and over… I want to live with an extremely low bar for delight. You’re allowed to love the tiny, daily, ordinary moments in life.”

As those words shook me up inside, I looked up and saw a squirrel sitting on its haunches — which is just about the cutest thing ever to me — and I smiled. I also noticed how beautiful the sky was and the meadow and the tinted leaves. 

Looking in the Wrong Places

When the chapter ended, I turned it off so I could think as I finished my walk. As I walked and thought, something occurred to me. I had been looking for joy in all the wrong places. I thought of three specific areas in my life that are hard and lacking and usually bring joy. 

These are areas I have no control over. Areas that are non-existent for me which makes me feel hollow and sad and oh so lonely. Areas that bring life, joy, and beauty. I realized I’ve been waiting for these areas to change and then bring me joy. Because those have not been changing, I have lacked joy. But they are not the only places where joy exists. 

Being Weighed Down

As I continued to think about this throughout that morning, I realized that just as noticing and delighting in little things, I also have to beware of letting little things upset me. That really, my lack of joy is not the lack of things to be joyful about, but my focus on the negative. Letting worries and attitudes and imperfections get me down, weigh me down so that it takes something like fireworks or perfection to make me smile. If a little thing is going to lift me up, then I need to not be so heavily weighed down. 

I’ve been hearing/thinking a lot about the nervous system and how it is affected and how it affects us. Like remembering to take a deep breath and remind myself I’m safe when something startling happens like a door being slammed from a gust of wind. Logically, I know I’m safe, but my nervous system just shot into fight or flight mode and the sooner I calm it down, the sooner I am calm and it is no longer there. I’ve been noticing when the littlest thing sets me off because a couple dozen other things (like the door example) added just a bit of stress that I didn’t deal with. So I’ve been trying to be more aware of the little stresses and releasing them — with a deep breath, with a calming thought — so they can’t add up. 

Resolution

I want to be intentional about finding joy in this season. Not only autumn, my favorite season, but this hard desert-like season. Because some areas may be deserts, but others are not. I want to cultivate joy in the areas I can  — my home, my family, my creativity, our church. 

Resistance

I wrote all those words on the Monday afternoon after hearing those words. I was feeling pretty good and inspired about this new venture and mindset. Yet, starting Monday night I have been very emotional and almost depressed about the hard areas in my life. I don’t believe it’s coincidence that as I decide to move forward in faith toward gratitude and joy — ultimately Christ himself — that I’m beset with overwhelming emotions. There is an enemy to joy and he is punching me in all the right places. I don’t yet know how to fight back except to be aware and cry out to Christ to come to my aid.

Wisdom from the Past

As I prepared to write this on the following Thursday morning, I pull up old journal entries from another hard season, four years ago. I was looking for something else I had written about and was working through, but instead I found exactly what I needed.

Sept 2021

This morning during prayers, I was thinking about this [ being grateful ] some and how pampered and soft my life is. And I was thinking how I should do something ascetical, like give up something or sleep less. But I know I am too weak for those things. I would get grouchy and unkind. And then it was as if He was whispering to me, “You already do ascetically things, just do them with joy.” And I thought about the times I get woken up in the night to tend to one of the three little ones (or all three at different times…), all the work I do – cooking, cleaning, managing, organizing, teachings, parenting. It is a lot and it is hard. And sometimes I do it begrudgingly. Not all the time. Usually it’s neutral. I neither feel disgust or joy. I accept my work, which is growth. Now, I want to be grateful for it and do it with joy and love. 

And this entry from a few months before, but so exactly what I want to be thinking and living and breathing these days.

June 2021

Last night during Vespers, I was standing on the far side of the nave, holding my one year old. I looked up at an icon on the wall and it was of Jesus washing the disciples feet. We don’t normally see that when we read it. It really hit me how lowly he was being – Him, GOD – washing the dirty feet of men, his followers, his creations. And that’s what I get to do every day. I get to do the actions of Christ as I care for my children, yet I often resent it. And today’s Gospel is just about that. Matthew 19:27, “And whoever desires to be first among you, let him be your slave – just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many.” Christ not only sacrificed, which I’m clearly being called to do, but he served, which I am also clearly called to do. So I am very tangibly being giving repeated, daily opportunities to be like Christ. And if I do it resentfully or begrudgingly, I will have no gain, no growth for it and I’ll be miserable. But if I yoke myself to Christ – literally bind myself next to Him, walk in His steps, beg him to lead and guide me, and do it out of love, if joy is not possible, look at it as a choice not a burden, then maybe I will grow, maybe I’ll be blessed, and maybe it won’t feel so hard. 

Where is the Growth?

It would be so easy for me to beat myself up for not having learned this lesson from four years ago, internalized it, mastered it, and moved on. I’m sure in some ways, I did learn. But I have been trying to remember in so many areas that growth and learning is not linear — as much as I wish it was. It’s layers and circles and web and tapestry building. For most of us it’s the same lessons, over and over, that we need to learn. The same burdens we carry to confession, again and again. Deeper and deeper into our weaknesses we go the older we get, meaning we never quite overcome the weakness, but we see it clearer and clearer, feeling as if we are making no progress, but instead we are more able to address the problem at the deeper root. This is painful to realize and experience. It feels hopeless. And if it were up to us, it would be. Thankfully, it’s not if we choose to give these weaknesses to Christ — to humbly accept them, admit we can do nothing about them, and ask Him to help us instead.

What Next?

I don’t feel at all prepared to continue my search for joy. I feel tired and weary. I feel a little defeated. Yet, there is still a flicker of hope. I am not alone. I may be in a hard season where the joy is hard to find. Things might feel heavy, but I have Christ and I intend to cling to Him and turn to Him even when I don’t feel Him. I cannot change my circumstances. I may not even be able to change how I feel about them. I do have these responsibilities — to continually reach for Him, to choose to believe He will be with me, and to resist lies that tell me otherwise.